Remaining Productive and Professional When Working with People You Don’t Get Along With

“Tolerance and apathy are the last virtues of a dying society.” ― Aristotle

Imagine this: you have a job position that you enjoy with an organization and team you love, and then suddenly, you find out that someone just rubs you the wrong way or the reverse is true, and you quickly realize that either they aren’t going to be someone whom you’ll share a margarita with after work, or they think you can’t be trusted to keep your hands to yourself when they put their lunch in the refrigerator.

In the worst case scenario, this person might be someone who signs your paycheck.

Sowhat do you do when this kind of situation arises?

Remember why you’re here

First and foremost, being able to develop strong personal relationships with people whom you work with shouldn’t be your priority, it should instead be a happy discovery you make when doing your duty.

If you’ve joined up in a social enterprise dedicated to helping inner city youth and find that you get along with almost everyone in the office except for one or two people, your job isn’t to make them like you, it’s to demonstrate that you can fulfill your professional obligations regardless of what people think of you.

By doing so, someone may not necessarily like you as an individual, but they will have a hard time finding fault with you if you do your job and do it well, especially when others who do get along with you can vouch for you. Your job is to help inner city youth by helping secure funding, and if you can do that even if someone is giving you the cold shoulder when you enter the office, then it doesn’t matter what they think of you.

Assume good intentions

One of the biggest signs of maturity is remembering that not everything is about you. If you aren’t getting along with someone or they just plain don’t like you, it doesn’t necessarily mean you’re a horrible person. Instead, someone may be dealing with their own personal demons, from a recent breakup to having a family member undergoing chemotherapy or being in chronic pain because of an injury.

Likewise, even if there’s nothing major going on in someone else’s head, some people have different personalities, and as a result the way they socialize, interact, interpret your words and actions, and respond is colored by their life experience, cultural values, and personal priorities, just like yours. Someone may just have an angry resting face, but it doesn’t mean he hates you, he just doesn’t feel the need to smile and make small talk when he’s in the middle of finishing a report with a looming deadline in ten minutes.

A good example of the cultural gap and assuming good intentions is the difference between a German expat and a Colombian volunteer in Bogota: culturally, Germans aren’t known for small talk and may walk past you in the hallway without saying good morning, even if they see you every day. They are there to do their job, not make friends.

By contrast, many Colombians like to engage and make small talk to know you as a person, to the point that American expats in Bogota talk of how coming home to their condo involves a chat with the security guard asking how their day was, the doorman doing the same, and the receptionist as well, going beyond the “Hi? How are you? How was your day? Take care!” which would still be seen as too abrupt and uncaring in Bogota.

If we look at face value the difference in attitudes for these two cultures, neither one is better or worse than the other, they’re just not made of the same mold, which in turn can lead to negative assumptions about the other. By assuming good intentions and remembering possible differences, you prevent unnecessary worry for yourself and can take the next step in clearing the air with another.

Communicate, don’t isolate or suffocate

Even when you’re aware of differences and assuming good intentions, you should strive to build bridges instead of walls. By isolating yourself, you and the person whom you don’t get along with will be left with the image in your heads of each other, which can make things worse.

In contrast, you can give them a little room by opening the door to invite them into your world, but don’t force them or drag them in there because you want them to get along with you already, and most definitely don’t get in their face hoping that more exposure will improve things. If you don’t like pop-up ads when you’re browsing the Internet, then guess what? Nobody likes people who keep getting in their face when they’re trying to live their own life and do their work.

All you need to do is say hello and good morning, you don’t need to talk about the weather or basketball, just enough to show you don’t bite and you aren’t plotting their demise so that they in turn end up being just another person rather than an enemy whom you assume the worst about. Even if they don’t give the most positive response, you’ve done your best to build bridges and you will often end up looking more mature and amicable by those observing your attempts to close the gap, while they will look like the opposite.

Accept that you aren’t going to be everyone’s best friend

If you’ve done all that you can to take care of how you feel and your attempts to get along better don’t work, then the best you can do is accept that not everyone is going to like you or be your best friend, and that’s totally fine.

By accepting that life goes on even if you aren’t loved by everyone, you become more desirable and likable because being comfortable with yourself is very attractive as it lends credence to your maturity and reputation over the need for validation by being everyone’s friend. In turn, it shows strong professionalism and the ability to work regardless of your differences, something that you can bring with you no matter how often you change employers or job titles.